There once was a post circulating on FB about how to get the romance back in your relationship.

Originally an article in the NY Times or some such mainstream organ, it proposed 3 prescriptions:

1) swinging

2) not watching television

3) living apart.


I’m happy to concede that these solutions might not be as bizarre, extreme and random as I perceive them to be. But still, as a blanket formula for spicing up a stale connection, they do, in my opinion, demonstrate a sad lack of understanding as to the nature of relationships, and fail to address the most important issue, which is the personal dynamics at play in any given relationship.

Firstly, why would you want to bring back the romance in a relationship, when in truth, romance is a retrograde step in the development of a heart connection. Romance is in fact a projection of our unconscious ideals onto another person, including the idea that they in some way can complete what we feel incomplete about.

By its very nature, romance is short lived. Sooner or later it dawns on us that the other person is not what we held them up to be. The immature will blame the other for the disappointment, and turn against them, as if the other has let them down.

So why try and rekindle that unconscious expectation? Why not move on to something deeper, truer, lasting?

Perhaps the most important aspect of a great relationship is one you don’t hear much about: knowing yourself.

Dysfunctional relationships arise from one thing only, and that’s people making demands for unmet validation in childhood on each other. Simply put that means we want others to make us feel safe or okay about what we don’t feel safe or okay about.

For the conscious, awakened, adult being, surely the first step in relating to another, especially in something as profound as a loving, committed relationship, is to be able to acknowledge the shadow agenda in that relationship, and put it aside. Once that is taken care of then something brilliant happens, you see the other for who they really are and what they really mean to you.

All that a great connection to another person requires is to be present to them, which is where switching off the television from time to time might come in handy.

Having the ability to be with another puts you in touch with who they really are, their greatness. And when you see that in another, rather than what your infantile self believes they can supply you with, you make an inspired connection. You are touched, moved and motivated by the beauty of their being, something you will never tire of, something that will never grow stale.

The passion we seek will not be found in flogging our expectations to death, but right there in what actually is before us.

William Whitecloud

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